1.Erectile Quality Monitor
Did your boyfriend forget your anniversary? Leave his dirty dishes laying around again? Because you must be royally pissed off at him to submit the poor guy to this instrument of humiliation: the Erectile Quality Monitor — yet another emasculating invention from the company FastSize, brains behind the Extender (aka penis stretcher/medieval torture device). Press the contraption against his erection for five seconds, then check out the color-coordinated censor to see how many grams of force he's packing down there. Anything in the blue zone is "good for great sex"; red means he's, well, screwed. It's the perfect way to kill the mood!
2. Vibrating Bikini
It should be beyond obvious why using a vibrator in public is a horrible idea, so we are completely flummoxed that this piece of apparel even exists. The vibrating bikini comes equipped with a hidden pouch to hold a bullet vibe — apparently so you can play volleyball, swim laps, or buy an ice cream cone while channeling some good vibrations...and rocking that grody wet-sand-in-your-bikini-bottoms look. The manufacturer swears it's great for "backyards, pools, jacuzzis, and the beach." And by "great" they must mean "the quickest way to become a social pariah." Yeah, we're gonna pass on this one.
3. I Love My Muff Kit
We can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon and a good chunk of cash than giving your vagina a series of wacky and completely unnecessary spa treatments. Oh wait — yes we can: almost anything else!!! (Besides, well, measuring your man's erection.) The I Love My Muff kit is stocked with beauty products to pamper your poonanny. Choose from two types: Blue, which "invokes a mystical feeling of invigoration reminding you of botanical dew drops suspended in a welcomed breeze" or Green, described as having "a fresh, warm and inviting quality, like the perfect sip of tea and honey in a garden of vanilla and citrus blossoms." Okaaay. Each includes a bottle of wash that "glides like hydrating jelly and smooth honey".
4. Hide-A-Vibe Teddy Bear
He's just like that adorable stuffed animal you used to cuddle up to when you were little, only with a very disturbing twist. The Hide-A-Vibe Teddy Bear has a secret compartment to stash condoms, lube, a vibrator, etc. (Um hello, isn't that what bedside drawers are for?) The downside: It's man poison. Beyond your guy questioning the fact that you are a grown woman who still sleeps with a stuffed bear, when he sees you whip a magnum and handcuffs out of its furry back chances are he'll totally freak out. Oh, and remember to keep it away from your kid niece because you do not want to have to explain why Teddy comes with his own hot pink walking stick.
5. Earth Angel
Save Mother Earth en route to O-Town! Dubbed the "most eco-friendly toy on the planet," this vibrator is made from recycled plastics and is battery-free so you can go green while getting your buzz on. Sounds good so far...until we get to the part about powering up the manually-charged Angel. You have to wind its teeny crank for four freakin' minutes—at which point we're guessing your hand will be too cramped to hold it anyway. We'll stick with vibes that don't require so much manual labor, thank you very much.
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